I want to talk about how amazing the sex is. I want to re-live and commentate on the images that stain my brain and throb still through my body. I want to know how good i made her feel. What I can do different. I can’t be at peace with my thoughts because they bounce around in my head like a meth-ed out honey bee. I stammer, I stutter, I giggle. I make her uncomfortable. I shouldn’t be allowed to experience pleasure like this. I am a fourteen year old boy pumped up on sex drugs staring at a magazine in my parent’s basement wanting porn, live action in front of me. I am ridiculous. I am insecure. I am so happy. This is my drug. This is what happened:
Chris has been obsessing since she they left. His chatter is incessant, his energy contagious. I am sex crazed, obsessed. I drink whiskey like water and imagine sex with every woman I see. Chris is convinced and insists I go after her. So when she shows back up I tell her over a cigarette and coffee as we sit on the curb in the dark.
“Chris is convinced that we’re going to fuck.”
“Why would he think that?”
“I don’t know. I’m obsessed right now. It’s been so long.”
“but why me? I’m straight.”
“I know. But my point in bringing it up is that I wanna fuck with him.”
“how are you planning on doing that?”
“well…. I was thinking that we could go to our room, cover the bunk in towels or sheets or something and pretend.”
“ha ha, are you trying to get me into bed with you?”
“Well yes, but only as a joke. I like you too much to try and put the moves on you.”
“uh huh.”
“he’s about to take a shower, lets do it while he’s out of the room.”
“wait, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?”
“No, not ‘do it’ I mean lets be in there when he gets out.”
“ok, fuck it, it would be funny!”
In the hallway next to the bathroom we bump into the wall and pretend to be flirting loudly.
“Are you sure you wanna do this ?”
“Yeah fuck it you only live once.”
Once in the room I pull all of the towels off everyone’s beds and tuck them under the top mattress on the bunk bed and make a curtain that covers the entire bed. We crawl inside our little fort to sort out the plan, but all we do is chat about music. The lock buzzes for the door to open and we fall silent. She moans and kisses the back of her hand loudly. I follow suit and thump the wall with my fist and she moans louder. We hear Chris fumbling through his locker then stand silently for a moment before leaving the room quickly. After the door shuts and a few seconds pass, we burst into laughter.
“he’s totally not going to believe it,” she giggles.
“Oh he does, he does and it is glorious!”
We wait a few more minutes and shuffle through my Ipod to kill time before going downstairs to watch his reactions. The shared room and the bar are empty. She and I grab a stool at the bar and order beer. Chris won’t look her in the eye. I stifle a laugh. We giggle and whisper our shock at his discomfort. She puts her arm around me for effect and a chill goes through my body. Chris catches my eye and I blush. “Want to smoke with me,” she asks.
“yes, definitely.”
We walk outside and remount our post on the ledge of the building. The moon hangs over our street, high in the navy sky. We talk about her ex. He was much older, he didn’t love her well enough. She had to leave to see it clearly. Todd, he sounds like and idiot. My feet sweat in my sandals and I slide down the insides of them. Thrown off balance I grab her knee and say “watch out!” She smiles and smacks my hand away. I lean into her and say something clever, she smiles I feel her open up as the alcohol floods her blood stream. She is gorgeous. “I bet you’re a horrible kisser,” the thought isn’t caught in my normal filter. It just falls out of my mouth, my heart pounds hard twice in my chest. She says, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“Honestly the more I think about what just happened the more I realize that worse things could.”
Her words were thoughtful and low “let’s go inside,” she said. We walked back into the warm lobby. Chris was over the shock of our little trick and in the mood to harass. He starts in on her as I walk over to the computers and pretend to care about my emails while I clear my head. Her warm laugh fills the room. I bet I could, if I tried. I listen to her brag to Chris about our fictional escapades for a few minutes and smile. She’s such a good actress. She walks into the music room; Chris gives me a huge grin and thumbs up. I ask, “You got any whiskey man?”
He reaches under the counter and brings out a bottle of Jamey, “I’m Irish aren’t I? Hey watch the bar I need a wee.”
“Okay, go ahead.”
Neko Case starts blaring from the bar speakers as she walks back to her stool. ‘You want a shot?”
“yeah I think I actually need one tonight.”
“Is Chris giving you much grief?”
“I just can’t believe that he buys it, ya know?”
Chris cuts in with, “buys what?”
“Cristobol,” I stammer, “buying that camel shit laden hash.”
“Oh is he back yet, he’s supposed to share with me the little twat,” he grins.
“No we were just talking about the last stuff he had.”
“Ah,” he mutters and slips back behind the bar. I put my hand on hers. She looks at me shaken by the advance.
“You want to go smoke again?” I bat my eyes at her jokingly.
“Yeah I can use another ciggy.”
Once out of earshot she unleashes again, “Do I look gay?”
“No, I don’t know, why?”
“Because he really thinks we just fucked!”
“Well that was the point wasn’t it?”
“Well yeah, but I didn’t think it would work.”
“You were the one moaning in my bed, and he couldn’t see in, so yeah I think I can see.”
“No, I mean I know. It’s just that.” She bursts out laughing again.
“Girl you know I do have some game, it could happen. But if it’s bothering you we can go tell him that we were fucking with him.”
“No it’s funny, really it is.”
“It’s not funny, I do have game damnit,” I say smiling and wink at her.
“You think I would fuck you?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“I’m not gay!”
“That has nothing to do with it.”
“What are you talking about?” she laughs and shoves me off our shared ledge.
“We have tons in common, we’re good friends, and we bonded immediately, these things happen.”
“Well I guess if I was gonna go gay it would have to happen in Spain.”
“Come on I need to get something out of the room, come with me.”
“Okay.”
We walk through the sliding glass doors to the elevator. I ask her if she likes Ani, she doesn’t know who she is. I really want to kiss her. Her lips are beautiful. I can’t though; I like her too much to run her off. I walk out of the elevator first arguing with my better senses silently. I feel her heat close behind me. She’s thinking too much too. Inside the room I dig through my locker trying to find something that seems important. She sits on my bed. I turn and say, “Make yourself at home.”
“Oh I’m way ahead of you,” and she takes her shoes off and lies down. Do I really want to do this?
“What are you looking for?”
“A reason not to do what I really want to right now.” I really need to install a verbal filter.
“Did you find it?” she sits up and pushes her bangs away from her eyes.
“No and I’m about tired of looking.”
“So who is this Annie you keep talking about, an ex?”
“God no, I wish I could brag that she was though. Here, I’ll play you some of her stuff.” I grabbed my laptop, and save! I sat on the bed next to her and played the worst song ever to try and change the pace of my thoughts, “Over lap” By Ani Difranco. The seductive lyrics branded the ideas deeper into my mind.
